Low/No Maintenance Yard = The former owners paved over everything so there is no grass for the kids or pets. Forget buying a lawnmower and opt for a pressure washer instead. As a plus, parking is plentiful.
Quaint = So small only one person at a time can enter the kitchen and three is a full house.
Move-In Ready = We painted and called the carpet cleaner.
Seasonal Creek = Flash flooding alert!
Neighborhood Watch = The busy-body that lives next door knows everyone’s business and will call the police to report your dog the first time it gets out.
Country Living = Bring emergency rations since you are sure to get lost trying to find the property.
Cozy = Leave your king sized bed and overstuffed furniture behind.
Three Season Sunroom = Non permitted addition without insulation.
Near Transportation = Jets fly overhead, school bus stops in front yard and interstate is 20 feet away.
Nature Lovers Delight = Raccoons rip through the trash 3 times per week and your car insurance will go up after colliding with deer every year.
Energy Efficient = So small you can use a camp stove to heat the house.
Close to Everything = We didn’t sell when we should have so they built the mall around us.
Corner Lot = Constant traffic or the local neighborhood hang-out where kids of all ages congregate 24/7 and neighbors walk their dogs to do their ‘business’.
Meticulously Maintained = All original fixtures, appliances, cabinets and carpeting dating back at least 20 years or more.
Desirable Neighborhood = 20% premium based upon snob appeal.
Stunning Views = You will need a 4x4 to get up the driveway.
Lots of Storage Space = Unfinished attic or basement that is too small to do anything else with.
Completely Remodeled = There was a fire/flood/other so we covered it up quick with a bit of plaster then painted over it so nothing shows – just don’t look behind the walls, windows, attic or floor.
I send this out in my letters.